Sometimes, I just get tired of being a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my son, and would give my life for him if needed. Motherhood is a precious gift that I do not take for granted. I have plenty of friends who have lost a child, or were worried they might lose one, or could not conceive, and I would never want any of them to feel like I am ungrateful for this gift that I was given. But sometimes I just get tired.
I get tired of the sleepless nights, and the feet in my face. Tired of the early mornings, but never tired of the sweet little smooches at 5:30 am, no matter how tired I am. I get tired of the tv, and arguments about playing ball in the house. Tired of saying “hurry up”, all the “no”s, and the “please use your listening ears” moments. Tired of the accidents, and boo-boo’s that aren’t that bad (but create huge drama), tired of the doctors visits, and all the money spent on silly things.
Sometimes I just need to step back and remember, though, that someday all those moments will be gone. And maybe you do, too? Today was a good reminder of that. My sweet, tender-hearted (strong-willed, super active) three-year-old, from the backseat of the car as we pulled into Target said, “Mommy, I don’t want you to die.” He’s become curious about death recently, and I don’t want to lie to him (yes, we “do” Santa, but that is another conversation for another day), so I try to explain things in the most truthful, but age-appropriate way. He knows that my mom (whom we call Grandma) is in heaven because she died when I was younger. And he knows that Gamma (my mom’s mom) died a couple years ago. And he knows that his fish, Pretty Blue, and our rabbit, Bunny, died too. And he knows that someday our cats and bird will die, and that someday everybody and everything dies.
“Mommy, I don’t want you to die.” The words that break your heart into a million pieces, while also filling you with so much love and appreciation at the same time. Sometimes, there isn’t anything you can say to make the fear go away. Try as I might, I couldn’t calm his fears. I told him I was healthy and that he didn’t need to worry about me dying for many years. I told him that we’d see each other again in Heaven some day. “But I don’t want you to die. I would miss you so much.” Sometimes, words just don’t do the trick. So I parked, took him out of his car seat, and just held him. And thanked God for giving me this beautiful, bittersweet reminder that our days are numbered, and we need to be grateful for every single moment that we get to spend with the ones we love.
If you are tired, I hope this story will help you as much as the moment helped me. I hope that you, like me, will take time to rest your weary heart, fill your cup back up, and give yourself fully to those sweet little babes who call you Mommy. You are the most important person in their little lives, and they need you to be at your best, so take time for yourself, to give more back to them. You’re not alone, in the love you feel, or the exhaustion you feel.